31 Oct 08 - Life is simple

sitting on my super comfy bed,with a pot of hot tea in the stillness of night.. (despite the noise of magjong from my sis' room - my mum+YX+her) actually life is very simple.
for my mum - a game of magjong is able to entertain her despite anxiousness on her long flight tomorrow.. for my sis n YX - card game (even simple gambling) or a song can make their day together..

every chinese new year, all friends n relatives will come n have fun in such 'social' gambling (it's such a norm, isnt it?). every often i'd be labelled as anti-social cos i dun involve in such 'bonding' at all.... distinctively, i was always 'left alone' by bosco's relatives cos i dun participate, not even at bosco's request. ... well, i guess that's me - making a stand for what i believe in. Come'on, do we really have to gamble to interact, to break the ice? there're a lot of healthy games, if u want to play! but i thank God thru the yrs, my family and friends understand my stand against gambling - be it social or heavy (white lies/ black lies, they are still lies).

.. cant help thinking abt what ZW told me today that i've been saying moving on with my life, but have i? .. honestly, i cant say i've moved on totally from the past.. afterall if it's that easy, i wont be in depression in first place.. but strange enough, i've been browsing at his facebook photos and updates.. this person whom i love so much, made my heaven and hell on earth.. the more i look at his photos,the more i dont know this person.. i'm surprised by this void of feelings myself! no pain,no hope,no disappointment, not even any pinch 'anger' which i tot i'm 'entitled' to ve..totally void of feelings for this person now. but yet, i cant say i've 101% gotten over him.. it's kinda complicated.. but i'm happy being single now - speaking what i feel, doing what i like..

suddenly, this tot 'i'd be single all my life' does not scare me anymore.. what will be will.. like what we always say in Amplify - if God has called you to it, you cant escape from it. meanwhile, be it church,work or social outings, i just want to be myself.. hopefully to re-live the Janet in her schooldays, the first-love relationship with God..

the world may fail and fall, but if you are with the Creator, how secured is it!

30 Oct 08 - RCIA Christmas planning

still thinking abt the love letters from RCIA.. they are really not making things easy for me to exit from this journey.. thru this yr, they have been my 'family' / cellgroup whom i look forward to meet, to interact with every Wed and Sun.. i know my decision is surprising n even disappointing to some of them, but they will always be my 'family'-in-Christ.. i know whenever i visit CTK, they are always there..

things are not very smooth for christmas party planning.. due to the overwhelming response,we have to make a urgent decision this sun.. honestly,some part of me expected this response,but we did try to keep the spirits high.. well, i guess it's just another test to add to my Yr2008 experience. though i'm 'officially' released from this faith journey, but this party planning is my commitment. i just dun feel it's right to leave it as i leave. just not me, i guess.. but this test is really tough cos i've to work with various people on something with nothing. i dont even know how to pick up the present situation.. really testing my orgainising skills to the maximum.. help..


Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God

29 Oct 08 - Touched by RCIA angels

just now was my last class as catechumen, i was really shocked, REALLY surprised to hear my name and to receive the gift which they had prepared for me, though i was absent from the retreat.. i know the attendees had a towel each, cos Father Yim washed their feet for them.. but i.. i was not even there.. they actually had my smiling picture on a big envelope for me! it's just so nice!!

blessed, i came home.. actually cant wait to look what's inside the envelope.. i know it'll make me cry, but i didn't know it will touch me so deeply!!.. Encouragements from my god-parents, from my sponsors and even a fellow catechumen from another group.. what made my tears really flow is the letter from my lead sponsor..

i didn't know my sharing can change someone.. i can only thank God for His teachings and guidance thru my pit, and Pastor Kong for instilling Bible knowledge into me.. (frankly, i'm not a very faithful Bible study person for the past 13yrs) all i know about the Bible are all from Pastor's teachings during service.. i never expect these 'limited' knowledge to impact someone..

all those letters really touch my heart so deep.. i never expect myself to be able to make such difference, esp i was struggling with depression from start of this journey.. i always thought my depression has withdrawn me from communicating with people, cos i'd rather be alone n be quiet.. i never expect God to be working in n thru me this way.. God did it again - He really works in ways i cannot comprehend. His ways are higher than my ways..

.. .. .. i thank all of them in CTK RCIA, from the core team to my fellow catechumens.. since day1, the core team has been sensitive to my condition and didn't mind my 'busybody' presence when they planned the RCIA process (i dun wan to be alone at home in my depression, so i hang ard with them, treating them as cellgroup, after Mass) they made me feel so welcomed.. integrated me into this totally foreign church. they saw and helped me through my depression, and fed me spiritually with their discussions...

daddy, if u r reading now, i really want to thank you.. thank you for everything you've done for me, from inquirer to catechumen, from depression to recovery.. despite your busy schedule, you are always there for me, reading my blog to check on my progress .. i still remember i was so scared when i msn u in my office if you could be my godfather, and i was so happy when you said yes. i was so happy that i sms bosco and his mum to share this good news (cant believe i did that)! i really thank you and love you, Vincent.. Thank you for everything~ Thank you for your love.

27 Oct 08 - Camping @ NACLI

i had a very interesting long weekend this wk.. well, it started with my anticipated boredom which gave me the 'drive' to involve in this activity alone.. i went SINGLES CAMP OUT @ NACLI! Well, i really miss NACLI training site.. had great memories there when i had my leadership camps there.. good old days with great fun.. So when i saw this activity to be held in NACLI, i'm so keen to register for it!

walking through the halls, the lodging rooms, carpark, dining hall and even the stairs hold great memories.. esp the games site.. i still cannot believe my group then actually carried me through the little tiny hole in the wired game! after more than 10yrs,i'm still amazed how they did it.. great memories of how we went through the 1-wk training, knowing one another from different schools, and we even cried so sadly in our final night.. though it's just a camp, we really had great fun and bondings.. on our campfire night (talent show), i even acted as the little girl in 'baa-baa black sheep' nursery song. really miss all of them.. can you believe i still have the training program book which all of us signed on it for one another. it's just so memorable!! how i wish i can have another chance to camp like that again!!! imagine 30yrs old adults having camp fire, dancing friendship dance and chasing around like kids in the dormitory rooms? haa..

ok,enough of the super sweet memories.. well, this time was not that bad.. i have to bear in mind that most of the campers are above 30yrs old, hence ... not really i'd described as 'camping'. but it's always nice to know new people..

personally, the most enjoyable thing is when all of us (girls n guys) all crowded into one of the guys' room last night. had such a long hearty chat about 'why are we still singles'.. we started this 'go-and-see-their-room' at midnight, started chatting and it went on with so much buzz till 3am! i cant imagine how some of them can still go for supper (shall i say breakfast) after the chat and our breakfast is at 830am this morning! (i know i have stamina for all the walking, the games or even the sports but not this! i need my beauty sleep :) )

ok, for some of u who are wondering if i've met any good candidate(s) for my consideration.. erm.. sorry to disappoint. but it kinda brings me to a better and clearer understanding on my requirements (this list is really getting so defined now!!) it's not that i'm being narrow-minded, but it's always good to know what you want - the 'core values'.. but i'm also keeping options open for friends.. well, i still believe in miracles (if you truly desire, fast and pray) :) meanwhile, i enjoy being single - to meet up with new people, though loneliness might kicks in once in a while (bear with me ok)..

don't worry abut me, i know God has everything in His control :)
I love this passage when i chanced upon it during my life pit,...just wanna share with you..

Love grows deeper, stronger and more beautiful when it is planted by God kept in His Will;
Nourished by His Word and warmed by the sunshine of His ever-abiding presence;
Always walk together in the happy ways of love;
Trusting in the grace of God to lead from above.

26 Oct 08 - Awesome day!

what a great day!
1) i received a totally unexpected invitation to share another marriage joy!! and it's one of the friends in Amplify! cant tell you how much i miss Amplify (cos of commitment back in CHC ministry i've not been serving in Amplify).. i dont know if you remember Leonard whom i commented he's like 'little pastor'? well, it's his big day with Cassilda! I'm really so happy to receive their invitation to share their joy!! i know they have been preparing hard and .. it's so exciting!! my first Catholic Holy Matrimony ceremony! came to think of it.. wow!! I'm so excited! :D

2) pastor kong shared a VERY GREAT message today - DNA of City Harvest Church.
what a timely message to affirm the vision i have with Church, to affirm the decision i've made!
i know CHC has always been in the spotlight for better and worse.. as just i've decided to 'find out' for myself what catholic faith is about, i really hope those of you who only heard about CHC - good and bad, to know CHC for yourselves! This message is not on Bible study, but purely on CHC DNA! i am proud of being City Harvester! :)
bosco challenged me once - what if pastor kong is not around anymore,will CHC still be the strong CHC as it is now (cos Catholic has Bishop to oversee all catholic churches)? i dare say - YES! cos CHC DNA (Great Commandment, Great Commission and Cultural Mandate) is in our blood, our vision! This is the legacy from Pastor Kong into our hearts, this is why we love CHC as our spiritual family so much!!

Visit http://www.chc.org.sg/eng/index.php to watch this sermon online!

... wah.. what a blessed day!! Awesome, totally awesome!!

23 Oct 08 - 2nd Interview with Priest

finally..i had my 2nd interview with Father Yim.. I was quite tongue-tied, till i let go of my rationale thinking.. expected his consensus with my decision, afterall baptism is not just another-thing-to-do.. it has a GREAT significance behind it, and this significance is for eternity!

cant say i'm happy.. in fact i'm kinda sad but at the same time i'm at peace to have this settled.. if i'm meant to be (Bosco used to say that i've the 'catholic fate'), i will be. if this is my calling, i cant 'escape'.. I totally agree with Paul - it's better to have good Christian than to have a 'lousy' Catholic.

after my interview,i actually cant bear to leave the parish.. sat on the floor with phyllis in parish office(as if it's our living room) and our chat continued to our usual coffeeshop.. though 9mths are relatively short compared to 4yrs or 13yrs,but they are like my family.. i know i have my family of brothers n sisters in N277, but perhaps cos of age.. this group feels more of a 'family' cos of godmummy and goddaddy.. and 'grandpa' Paul. :)

all along this journey, everyone thought i'd be baptised and even 'prophesied' my ministry with RCIA and Amplify.. even Paul was surprised at my decision... well, perhaps it's not the time, perhaps it's meant for greater things to come.. all i know is we're all one family in Christ. One day, the Church will be unified. Afterall, there's no denominational issue in Heaven. :)

my dears, i'll try to attend Mass whenever i can.. don't worry, i still love you and my prayers are with you!

special p/s:
my dear david,continue to seek wisdom and guidance in His Word, ok? remember - Bible is not an ornament for the Altar; Be a living Bible in your life.

21 Oct 08 - Life of legacy for God

Watching taiwanese news now opens my eyes to what Pastor Kong has been teaching - living a life of legacy for God. How a demise of a businessman has such impact on the whole community, that even the President came for his wake! This is what cultural mandate is about - bringing God into the marketplace!

In my own opionion, Mr Wang Yung-ching 王永慶 (http://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E7%8E%8B%E6%B0%B8%E6%85%B6) has lived a life of modern-day Moses. His christian values has greatly influenced his business model and contributed the society. He is even titled as Taiwan's '經營之神'. In one of his interview replay where he was verbally attacked by someone, his composure and firm belief in his management style really portrays his faith. He built his foundation on God and God really prospers his works.

Great is our God who is ever faithful in His promises! His faithfulness stands from age to age!

Matt 6:33
But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.

20 Oct 08 - Do Something With Nothing

"Do Something with Nothing" .. what a good slogan usually used by those portable devices.. during our wait for bus or friend,we know how to keep ourselves occupied. but what about our long wait in life? or even long suffering?? are we able to be constructive in these waits???

honestly,i have difficulty in this area cos i am impatient person. even waiting for a friend for 5mins is long enough.. my friends will know this - 15mins max before i walk off in frustration. Patience is really not one of my forte. many a times, though my eyes are looking at the Crucifix,but my mind are looking ard,exploring ways to 'help God' in this wait. i realise this time is really a intensive training (test) on my patience.. like a pro-active child, i just cant keep still and concentrate in this class.

again, i was looking ard just now when i had this feeling to read today's daily bread... perhaps just for fun. but the message blesses me so much! in a way,i'm ashamed for my lack of concentration, but in another, i'm so blessed cos it brings my focus back to God and to know that everything is indeed in His control. How can i, a creation, 'help' the Creator who know the perfect timing and plan for every one of us? I will and must learn to be patient, look for God-given opportunities instead of focusing on the obstacles.. afterall, He IS the Creator of Heaven and earth, of all creatures and even humans!! what else more He cant create?


Eph 5:15-20
So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts. And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

19 Oct 08 - Forever friends..

9.30pm.. taken my hot bath, drank my herbal cold remedy, trying to fight off the flu and prepare for tmr's work.. i'll be better.. since my victory over depression, i have not allowed myself to be away from work or any activities.. i know i cannot make exception tmr.

wrote a reply to an old friend.. hopefully he'll understand and accept my decision. i know i've been nasty to him these days, but that's for the best of us till we reach the acceptance.

does platonic relationship exist? I firmly believe it does. it's not cos of blind faith, reality is i do have some buddies whom i hold at highest regard of our friendship (whenever they rebuke me,i'm willing to pull down my pride and accept without arguing). and, all of them are happily engaged and even married. of course,things were tensed when their girlfriends came into the picture, but i thank God for their understanding and openness on platonic relationship, lest i'd lost these good buddies. (trust me- my buddies are all of very high calibre life-partners)

nevertheless, i know my bluntness on the decision hurts, but i'd rather it be now than later. Sorry, my friend.. I really hope we can still be friends...

18 Oct 08 - The list gets more defined

why guys ard me like to hold themselves in such a 'i-know-all', 'i-can-handle','dont worry abt me' position to impress me?

today i had a unexpected visit from an old friend.. not exactly unexpected, but his visit today was not made known to me. hence i was minding my own activities,when he suddenly turned up at my house. it's not that i dont welcome him,but this out-of-plan thing is quite a big turn-off for me. i know there are girls who like unexpected surprises,but honestly i prefer to have some pre-planning or clue prior the event.

as i ponder on his behavour,i realised the guys i meet these days are 'this type' - insensitive to a girl's preference, yet they are trying to get a date with her. Come'on, guys.. stop trying to impress a girl when u r not sensitive or tactful with her preferences.

.. hmm.. i have a high expectation? but this kind of sensitivity is not even in my list! This is the very basic requirement which i think all guys should have,esp when he is going after a girl! How do you expect a girl to consider be in a relationship with you, when you are already positioning yourself as 'dont need to share-I-will take-care-of all' attitude during friendship?

18 Oct 08 - Last Journey with ZW's mother

Just came back from ZW's mum's funeral.. i cant say i'm close to her,but when i saw the grief.. how hard ZW and Wendy tried to fight their tears when they went thru the ritual.. my tears just cant help flooding my eyes.. if you think i'm emotional, well..my sister cried too..

Going thru the ritual, my sister was surprised that i offered the incense. Not because i'm denying God's Word, but this is my last act of respect for the demise. What is a burning incense mean to your heart? I believe God looks right at your heart, not your actions. Though we have been given the liberty to choose not to hold or offer, but does that bring glory to God? Not compromising, i just want to share their grief and respect their mother.. and hopefully they will find strength in the Lord to go thru this grief.

Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

1 Samuel 16:7
The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.

15 Oct 08 - Sembawang

i finally stepped onto sembawang soil.. the very place full of joyful memories with Bosco..now it's a painful place for me.. stepping out from mrt, i tried not to look around, in case i bump onto him (though i know wed is his cellgroup night in AMK). i was even so tempted to go to his usual bicycle parking place to 'see him'.. tried to walk chin up through Sun Plaza, and be as relaxed as i could.. i even arranged my sisters and mum to come with me, just in case i cant cope..

if not for the wake of ZW's mother, i dun think i'd ever step onto sembawang again. the memories of riding with him on his bicycle, the haapy sweet days we spent in this area.. happy times turn painful.. and ZW's house is near his house.. i really ve to force myself to face it, to be here again..

i tot i was ok.. as long as i stay away from the crowd, avoid bumping onto anyone and concentrating on the wake.. just as i was about to leave, i saw someone looking like him,riding from Sun Plaza.. i lost my internal control.. i love him

i know he's in a relationship now,but i still love him.. silly, stupid, stubborn etc.. i know i deserve all these titles. but have u not known i've been trying to enjoy my singlehood, n keep my options open?? still, i cant deny this love for him.. he may not deserve it now.. logically i know it's futile, but i cant help myself..

i can only pray for that day when my joy returns to me.. though i don't know if i've strength to wait,but i'll wait...

Psa 27:14
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

14 Oct 08 - I'm glad I've prayed..

What a lot to experience these days..

Last sat, I was basking in joy over a blissful marriage. On Mon night, I felt the need to pray for my buddy's mother who has only days left. I was about to pay his family a visit after work today. Just about I was to leave office at 6pm, a simple sms brought such great grief - "My mon just passed away at 5pm."

I can imagine how painful it is to send out this message. Though the message came 1hr after the demise, he should be more composed but I didn't dare to call him back,even to console.. His coarse near-crying voice from last week still lingers in my mind. In a way, it's relieving to know she is with God now after the painful fight with cancer. But the pain n grief the family has to go through from now on is a new process.. This is one of those times when knowledge of comfort cant get into your heart.. you know the words of consolation,but no one can really feel the pain inside..

On my way home with this heavy heart, I received another sms asking me to look up onto the sky. (David always update me on my sister) Indeed, she is so bright and round against the clear darkening sky. So bright and big as if she's so near and even rounder than mid-autimn. It's a wonder - whenever I'm sad or low in spirit, such sms will come and she always open my eyes to the greater wonders of our Creator. I guess that is why she is my 'sister'.. She saw me through all those tearful and lonely nights..

11 Oct 08 - Love is unconditional commitment to an imperfect person

Went for a ex-colleague's Holy Matrimony today..
I must say it's the most heart-warming i've been. It's held in Care Harvest Centre (their church) and the Presence of God was so strong! I've been to serveral Holy Mat but this one is really so blessed!! Very often, on this special day, the focus is on the newly-wed but this time the focus is on God.. the whole blissfulness is so strong (i'm sure everyone can feels the difference in atmosphere) that i cant help being so happy for them. This is a couple who loves the Lord,went through alot and reunited by Grace of God. What a testimony of "what the Lord has united,no man can separate"!

how i wish i could share a testimony like this too :) *envious*

You are so blessed in our Lord, Mr and Mrs Derek You!! :D

1 John 4:19
We love because he first loved us.

10 Oct 08 - Proverbs 19:21

God really works in ways we cannot fathom, or at least I cannot fathom..

in the midst of all the financial crisis and job retrenchment news,despite knowing God has blessed me this job(once n again) n that i shld trust in Him (afterall i've been praying for His protection on my team n me),but i was still affected n started to worry.. all the negative thoughts came in..

Then my colleague-Jenny came and shared her faith n assurance with me. I didn't tell her how i feel but she just came n directed my eyes to the Lord. i feel as though i've been 'reproached' but in a very good way.. indeed,God is the One who directed me to this position,He is the One who re-opened this position for me to return.. no matter how hopeless the situation,He is the One who has everything under His control. Nothing is allowed to happen unless He consents it; if He consents it,He will provide for us! He is UNlimited though we are limited.

How faithless i have been - just by some situational storms,i am sinking into the waters.. i guess that's how Peter felt when he saw the storm while trying to walk on water with our Lord. Yet,God is faithful and so meticulous that He is constantly watching our hearts and sending his angels to direct our focus and trust to Him, even we are faithless. How great is our God!! Praise and Glory to Almighty King!!

Prov 19:21
Many plans are in a man's mind, but it is the Lord's purpose for him that will stand!

*****
after 5pm meeting..

THANK YOU, JESUS!!
It's really a load off my team's hearts! Yes-there'll be some bad news for some people, but God has protected my team in our positions!!
Well, call it 'coincident' if u may. But from the fact that Jenny came to share her faith with me,with no apparent reason, and the decision that saved our positions, i can only proclaim with joy - God is indeed watching over us,even to our tiniest detail! He is a prayer-answering God!!

10 Oct 08 - My 9mths of Catholic Experience

i returned to CG N277 tonight,after 9mths of absence.. though i've to 'start to know everyone again',but i do not regret taking this 9mths of cross-over, esp when it seem to be 'bad-timing' then..

honestly,i miss my depression days.. those were the days i seem to get revelations and visions so clear from the Lord when i seek Him.. but when all is well,it's strange that i find it more challenging to hear from Him now.. i really miss those days of my painful pit.. i really thankful and grateful to His Presence through the process.. (hmm.. time to buck up my spiritual life...)

Amplify youth ministry - they are really my answered prayer.. i still remember the time when i was all alone in this new church-no ministry,no spiritual/social support n even had to attend Mass alone.. i prayed for a charismatic youth ministry, it's amazing how God showed me to Amplify.. their hunger for God and love for people made me feel so much at home though i was still in my withdrawal days - 'mini CHC' so to speak (i even commented to Leonard that he preached like Pastor Kong) i really thank God for the opportunity to serve and made so many good friends there.. i'll never forget them,esp my dears Joel,Lydia,the 'twins' - Lynn n Eunice.. in fact,i'm going to miss Joel's growing tummy so much..

Christ the King RCIA - this is really my catholic family. i've loving godparents,1 wonderful godbrother,2 fun-loving godcousins and of course- supportive 'godrelatives'.. all in all it's a wonder how we find ourselves connected in this extended family tree.. we have so much fun during sharings,outings n even in life outside RCIA class.. i dare say we are noisiest group during sharing+outings and the most cooperative group during our canteen break (cos we will take more than enough food for the whole group to share) RCIA really made my Wednesdays so enjoyable n full of expectancy. Vincent(goddaddy) with his very thoughful sms such as 'have you eaten?' 'God loves you' and all his encouraging chats saw me though my depression.. i really thank God for him - he was my 'pull factor' to drag myself out of my room to attend the very first class of RCIA (i was having such bad depression attack that evening)..without his encouragement,i might still be in depression.. I love you,daddy! Thank you so much for your love!!

Not forgetting our dear spiritual director of RCIA-Father Yim.. when i was attending Mass with bosco,i've always enjoyed his homily. and when i knew he is the SD of my RCIA process,i am even more blessed.. similiar to Pastor Kong,he is fun-loving but when it comes to spiritual discipline,he's so firm n stern.. (p/s pray for me cos i still have to go through my 2nd interview with him.. perhaps a miracle might happen then?)

All in all,i'm very thankful to God for this 9mth of crossing-over.. i cant say i've known it all,but i thank God for experiencing in this part of His Body. many people think catholics n christians are different.. all i can say,do not judge - we are all in the same Body of Christ. Maybe different expressions of our faith,maybe the 'theology' might be slightly different, but we are all brothers and sisters-in-Christ going through life challenges and struggles to be Christ-like for His Glory. I like what Father William replied to my question on denominations,'we have to look beyond our differences n look into our similiarities'.

.. why am i writing this entry?
cos i know i'll miss all my catholic family n friends.. i thank God for David(godbrother) who told me i'll always be his sister no matter where i'd be planted.. (bro,if u dunno,that really blesses me heart..really! .. and please continue to read your Bible,ok?)

Year 2008 - what a GREAT year! BEST YEAR in my life so far!

5 Oct 08 - How much time do I have left?

what can i say? i was happy for my godbrother this morning when he shared his intention to move onto higher commitment in his relationship with his gf. though plans are still floating around as ideas, but i'm really happy for him.. to make this move requires much thinking n considerations from him, esp he was in a rather confused state when we last shared.. I know he thought it through.. i know he will hold his words..

in midst of this joy,i receive a speedy 'joyous' sms that my buddy-ZW is going to ROM tomorrow.. his marriage is no surprise but it's scheduled in dec.. i sensed something's wrong.. true enough-how fragile can life be? though the son will be marrying in few months,the mother does not have time to witness it then... from his voice,i know it's hurting him though it's a joyous marriage. first time i hear him so broken, unlike the happy-go-lucky ZW i have known for 18yrs. i'm lost for words.. dun know to congratulate him or to mourn with him.. how fragile is life?

i reflect this onto my family.. what wld i do if my parent cant get to witness my big day? it scares me.. honestly it really scares me. how fragile is life. my parents are nt even saved yet.. how much more scary can it get? time.. how cruel is time.. it stays for nobody at all. how much time do i have left to open their hearts? Lord,i'm scare... please do not scare me this way..

3 Oct 08 - I survived 2 Oct

i merely passed the 'anniversary' test.. 2 Oct.. i still cried for him, well..about 5mins.. i still miss him when i closed my eyes to sleep last night.. at least i survived without slipping back into the state of 'why this happened'..

by right, i shld be ok by now.. esp these days i've met some new friends, esp through Gwen's wedding.. i'm flattered and honoured that some actually indicated keen interest to know me better but i told them off with any reasonable excuses in such direct bluntness..

why? i don't really know..
maybe i'm not ready for any further considerations, maybe i don't want to consider anyone anymore (afterall it's really tiring to get to know someone so well, sharing every bits of your life and still have to go thru the '4yrs cycle').. someone commented that i must have been hurt too deeply that i have 'lost faith' in man species of this earth. am i?? i'm still involving myself with those 'singles' outing and hoping that someone meant for me will come along or return to me..

perhaps i'm contented being alone,spending time with my hugo and perhaps waiting for someone to fall from sky...

1 Oct 08 - <又見一帘幽夢>第34集

今天國定假日,也是陰涼的一天.. 在家休息懶懶地看電視節目,第一次看到這節目... 被打敗了,哭得很狼狽.. 戲裡感情情節是多麼直接地觸摸菁的深心處.. 愛情的執著,偉大,犧牲,愛護,背叛和傷痛..菁都深深地感覺到.. 雖然是第一次看這連戲劇,不知道為甚麼卻能這麼生感其中..

云帆對妻子的體貼,細心和愛護真的令人羨慕.. 他那份對愛的信任,守護承諾的誠心真的還會有這類男生存在嗎? 沈默穩重的個性帶有十分待人處事的體貼細心愛護.. 當妻子面對親姊姊苛薄尖酸的言語掃射時,可以體會他心裡有多痛..多無奈,多自責.. 看著愛人被傷害,卻知道這是必須的過程,所以無法保護她.. 愛妻強忍眼淚的畫面是多麼心如刀割的痛.. 菁的眼淚也開始因為這份深愛而漸漸落下..

姊姊是多麼怨恨自己丈夫.. 但谁又了解在她苛薄言語的背後是遍體淋傷的心靈.. 被深愛的人背叛兩人曾許下的諾言真的是非常非常痛心的一件事,甚至能痛到無法自拔地情緒失控.. 好痛好痛..更痛心的是了解自己雖然受傷極大卻還一直深愛著傷害自己的他.. 這份痛苦菁似乎深深體會到,所以哭了.. 第一次看這齣戲就哭得唏嘩啦的,紙巾還用得不少.. 菁,好樣的..

菁真的很希望現實生活中的男性人類能提高男人素質,學會愛護保護女人,學會'你的言語是你的承諾'的道理..

愛其是很簡單,不要把愛複雜化..
男人,你知道你今生所有的言語是你永生的承諾嗎?