8 Dec 08 - Courting for trouble..

i know i'm courting for trouble..

it's been a cool rainy morning.. so cool that i've lazed on bed for 2hrs before i get up, and even after i've done my morning laundry i'm willing to miss my-all-time-favourite-time: breakfast and be back to my bed.. (dun worry i'm not having any depression relaspe..just pure laziness)

best of all, i went into my previous blog.. my Depression Dairy. ok, i didn't go far back, just few last entries.. reading it again, i wonder where did i get all those words, those expressions.. (dont worry,i'm nt crying ok?i'm fine after reading).. it's so naked! if words can cry, i can still hear its cry from those words.. how did i survive those times? weeping in my eyes, crying in my heart while i typed..

it's been a long while since we talk abt my feelings for him on my blog (i know some of you will not be encouraging me to do so).. i know it's dangerous to recall the love and pain but hey, i've to face it and embrace it, right? as like the vision i've gotten - a deep cup full of tiny holes.. I've to allow my holes to be mended, to be filled so i can continue to be the cup i'm meant to be - to hold water.

i dont know how's my recovery progress in your eyes.. but if my counsellor is to know, i know she'll be happy for me (i'm still in contact with some of my depression friends, helping them to take a step at a time).. my doctor is happy for me too (i know cos i consulted to him for my last medical leave).. and my mum.. my mum is amazing. she used to be strong-headed, telling her daughters to do the things the way she is able to do.. but now, she's more receptive to other's way of handling life.. i was even able to explain to her my agony and struggle of my depression, she is so open to hear and learn from me.. (thank God for that!) and my dad.. though he's still seeking self-righteousness, but our conflicts has greatly decreased and he has trusted me more than my sisters to help him on his matters.. Dont you think God is amazing? He is able to change my relationship with my family from 'not-so-bonded' to such closeness and trust.. of course, we are still not the model parents-daughter relationship, but we are working well on it.

in a few more days, it'll be 29th Dec.. the day when all hell broke loose in my life.. it's been a year.. exact 1 year..do i 'fear' the coming of 29 Dec? yes and no.. i've 'checked' Bosco out on his facebook recently and he looks happy...(btw i think i know who is his gf now, but i'm not upset).. well, cant say i dont love him.. i do, but the pain with this love is gone.. as long as he's happy, that's my prayer for him.. as long as he's close to God, serving God in love, what more can i ask? so, in this way, i'm not scare of 29 Dec.. but be honest, i'm scare of its reminder.. confusing? well, in simple, i'm not fearful of the day itself, but i'm uncomfortable of being reminded of that day.. 3 more weeks.. i wonder how many reminders will i remind myself and how the situation will change..